Sex After Infidelity

Our self-worth can be the quiet casualty of infidelity, and is often one of the hardest things to rebuild.

We so quickly start questioning everything about ourselves because of someone else’s decisions (“If I were slimmer, looked better, made more effort they wouldn’t have done it”). And this part of the healing process is rarely talked about, because we’re terrified to shine a light on something that’s so deeply personal and so confronting.

So it’s no surprise that sex after infidelity becomes complicated and painfully fraught for couples who choose to stay together and rebuild.

I’ve been there! And believe me - rebuilding this part of yourself doesn’t start with:

“Where did you do it?”

“How often?”

“Were they better in bed than me?”

I knew instinctively that if I was to reclaim my self-esteem and self-worth I had to ‘flip the script’ completely.

So I dug deep and really started to ask myself the questions that felt unthinkable…..

What was he getting from her that he wasn’t from me?

How did she make him feel?

What was the attraction?

What kept him interested?

I wanted what they had - not because I wanted to compare myself or become her. I wanted it because I wanted that version of us - that version of me - back.

So sex was no longer about ‘picking up where we left off’. For me it became about recreating the intrigue, the excitement, the intoxicating spark we once had. Except this time, we weren’t discovering each other for the first time, we weren't just rebuilding and reconnecting; we were becoming electric to each other again.

I can hand on heart say that in our 15 years of marriage, some of the best sex we ever had came after that infidelity.

I believe that infidelity can be viewed from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other.

We just have to open to this new perspective. And it can be a hugely powerful distraction during our worst days!

Some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But for others it will jolt us into new possibilities.

Something about the fear of loss can rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely new relational dynamic.

If you’re standing at that crossroads yourself, hurt on one side, possibility on the other - you don’t have to navigate it alone. Your story isn’t over. And the next chapter can be more alive, more connected, and more honest than anything that came before.

Through my own infidelity journey, I learned the cheat code - infidelity doesn’t define you. Your comeback does.